The title seems a little exaggerated, but I’d say it still works for the year that has been. It feels like I am in a movie where it’s the same day over and over like Groundhog Day. Months have passed and the only semblance of time I have now is divided between weekdays and weekends. I was talking to my brother the other day about the same and being in a house arrest for the past 9 months. I was venting about how bored I felt to be at home all the time, about how I couldn’t go out and meet friends or sit in a coffee shop and write in my journal. Seattle winters consist of cold, windy, rainy, sunless, and short days. Sunsets are between 4.15 pm to 4.30 pm and 5 pm feels as if it’s 11 pm. There isn’t much you can do outdoors and there is currently a ban on any gatherings indoors. My frustration continued about how I felt hopeless and sad about everything, even things that I enjoyed earlier. My brother replied saying “All of this makes you think about what is the meaning of life now? What is it that makes life meaningful anymore?” That got me to do some introspection and this post is all about that. I have a lot of questions, about everything we do or don’t, but no answers really about what’s right or wrong. Or if there is a right or wrong, even.
There was a post I read recently on an Instagram account, originally tweeted by Julia Rock which resonated with me.
Reading it made me feel better about my year, about not being able to achieve the goals I had set out for myself, about not utilizing my time effectively. It’s surprising how we need assurances or a similar experience with someone to feel better about our own. In a post I wrote earlier this year, I talked about how I tried various activities in the hopes of picking up a new hobby but none of it worked for me. I did spend a lot of time watching TV which did make me feel better. I also spent some time reading books, more than I have in the past two years, which made me feel I was doing something worthwhile with my time. These realizations made me question every-day things that seemed okay before the pandemic but weren’t now. Here are some of them -:
- The need to be productive all the time? The guilt that follows if I’m not.
- Why isn’t it enough to simply exist in a world going through a pandemic?
- Is it wrong to do something that’s helping you survive but is societally accepted as wrong? For example, watching TV is something that helps me pass the time, feel less bored and escape reality for a while. Why does it feel like the wrong thing to do, though?
- Why don’t we talk and discuss how difficult it is to carry on at times? How it does get lonely and sad? Why does that come with a negative connotation? Why the pretence of everything is okay? What is it with the “how are you?” questions (in US especially) that warrant a standard “I’m good, how are you?” reply?
- How to choose between morally right versus self-serving interests? Is it always the morally right situation even if it’s detrimental to you personally? A 90/10 ratio? Something else? Is it even a one answer fits all situation?
For me, before the pandemic, there was this push and pull between going out and wanting to stay home and work on my things. Some weekend there would be an excess of one and so next week I’d try to balance it out. But now with being home all the time it’s like the activities that gave me happiness earlier feel like a task. There is no motivation to do those things even though there is more than enough time. That adds to the guilt of not utilizing my time which makes it feels more like a task. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle. But this also begs the question of why we only value something after it’s gone? Would I feel more appreciative of this time at home if this were to go away too? Probably, which also ties with this practice of gratitude I learnt this year. It’s listing down things you are grateful for daily. It could be something to note mentally or on paper. It can be anything – the food you ate, being healthy, having electricity or even taking a hot shower. The idea is that while listing these things you’ll feel appreciative of having them. I started practising it since April this year. I found it’s easier to do it on good or even neutral days and harder on the bad days. Those are the days when I struggle to write down even three things I’m grateful for. Even if I can list them down, it’s difficult for me to feel better or be appreciative of them. I do not know whether that should happen or if there even is a correct way of doing this. I still choose to continue with the practice in the hope that it will get better.
I’ll finally leave you with this – if you have felt similarly for any, some or all these things and are in the same boat as me, you aren’t alone. For those of you who have found ways to make it better or even bearable do message me and I would love to learn more. Until then I’ll be here, surviving and existing.
Image Source – https://me.me/i/lets-see-where-were-we-oh-yes-in-the-pit-e9eed08120704a97b8da90113791bf11
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